Women break down all men they meet into 5 categories. When does it happen? Usually during the first 3 hours of interaction, sometimes as soon as 5 minutes in. By the end of your first meeting, she will have you FIRMLY pegged into one of these five categories. Knowing what category you want to be in and doing what it takes to get there is the key to successful dating. Not only that, you also want to avoid the behavior that gets you lumped into the undesirable categories.
Why do women do this? For the same reason, when playing a hand of poker, you keep cards together that are likely to be played together. Dividing men into smaller groups helps women keep tabs on their current options. It lets women process the large numbers of men constantly approaching them and pick out their best options. Categorizing is a way of being practical and time-efficient. It also allows women to talk with their female friends about their social life using simple categories that other women will understand. Here are the 5 categories:
Creepy
First category: "Creepy." That's right, as in, "Ewww, that guy was so creepy!" You need to avoid this category at all costs. Once a girl finds you creepy, hears you are creepy from her friends, or even sees you hanging around with another guy she finds creepy, you're done. Game over.
Universally, women use the word "creepy" to describe men they aren't interested in. A strong emotional response is attached to the word creepy. There's an intense physical response that comes along with creepy--a kind recoiling. Ever accidentally stepped in vomit on the street? Yeah. That reaction.
Who makes up this category? Guys with bad timing. Guys with bad breath. Guys who invade personal space. Guys who are too silent, too affectionate, too anything too soon in the approach or initial meeting-up stages. Women trust their intuition, and once a woman finds you creepy, she will lock up faster than a bar at last call.
Two big mistakes that creepy guys make are: being physical without the proper amount of attraction and showing neediness too early in a relationship (worst of all, on a first date!). Confused? OK, imagine you're on a first date, and the woman you just met last week leans over and whispers in your ear, "I really like you. I think I want to hang out all the time. You won't ever leave me, will you?" Creepy, right?
That's exactly how a woman feels when she hears the same kind of talk from a man. What's worse, women are experts at spotting creepy signs a hundred times more subtle than the scene I just laid out. In fact, if most women tried to tell you exactly why they found some guy creepy, you'd be listening to a never-ending list of examples, such as the way he held his drink, the way he scratched his neck, or the exact grip he used when he took her by the hand. Sounds crazy, because it is crazy.
A women gets the creepy vibe when the man approaching her has weak, uncertain, or confused energy--if he is too desperate for her attention, if he approaches her as if he knows she has higher social value than he does and expects to be rejected, or, as if his life depends on having to touch her. All the silly signs women try to use to explain why they find a guy creepy--they all really refer back to that needy vibe. So don't bother trying to learn how to hold your glass or scratch your neck. Those things don't actually matter. What matters is whether you approach women with a sense of timing, confidence, and that certain form of indifference I'm going to teach you.
Here's a few simple things to avoid in order to prevent the creepy vibe:
1. Don't lean in too much.
Wait until she's leaning in, then you can lean in.
2. Don't express too much interest, too soon.
It's better to have the woman confused about whether you like her or not in the beginning. Sending mixed signals works better than expressing interest directly.
3. Avoid badly timed touching.
The proper way to touch a woman is as follows: First do a small touch like a quick stroke on the knee or a short touch of the hand. Then read her response to this touch. Women give signals telling you whether the touching was OK. Most men don't pay enough attention to these signals.
Negative Signals: Moving back slightly, looking away, pulling her hand away slightly, turning her body slightly away from you.
Positive Signals: Increased physical interaction, leaning into the touch, touching you back a minute or two later, or touching you back immediately.
There is ALWAYS a signal. If you think she didn't send a signal, that means you missed it, and you need to do your small touch again.
If you get a positive signal, wait a bit, and then do a more significant touch such as stroking the upper arm or stroking the lower thigh. Read her reaction to this.
The last step would be stroking her hair or holding her hand for a minute or two. If you skip to step 3 without doing steps 1 and 2, it often gets you a one-way ticket to Creepyville.
Always read a woman's reaction to your touch. Nonverbal communication is something you can always improve on, and skills in this area will take you very far with women. Sometimes it's possible to move very quickly through these various steps, but it is important that you do not skip any of the steps, and that you always pay close attentions to the woman's signals.
To make things a little more complicated, if you get a girl attracted to you, and then you don't touch her soon enough, you risk falling into the Friend Zone.
Knowing about the "Creepy" category gives you a chance to show off your insider knowledge of the female world. Joking about creepiness is an easy ticket to hearing more details about a woman's life or sharing amusing, high-value information about yours.
Try telling a story about an experience you once had with a creepy girl (Think "Fatal Attraction", "The Crush", etc.). This puts you on the same side as the woman--the cool side where everyone is so desirable that dealing with creeps and their sad come-ons is a fact of life. No woman escapes having a few interactions with creepy dudes by the time she's eighteen, so she will sympathize with any story you can share about your own creepy experiences.
Here are a few examples of stories I sometimes tell a woman to show that I understand how awful it is when creepy people hit on her:
"So I was out dancing the other night, and this girl who looked like a
lesbian came up to me and started talking REALLY close to my face. She said
'Oooooh, you're a metrosexual, I'm metrosexual too, we should hang out.'"
"I was like, ewwww, so creepy!"
"What is up with women these days? They're so damn aggressive. Half of the girls I meet try to make out with me in the first 20 minutes of meeting. It's like, 'Hellooooo...can't you just hold your horses?' (pause) 'Hey, you know what I just noticed? You've been sitting next to me for 35 minutes now, and you haven't tried to make out with me once yet! You get points for that."
If you find yourself in the creepy-zone, cut your losses and move on to the next candidate. Always remember:
THERE'S NO RETURN FROM CREEPYVILLE!
One of the most common mistakes men make is to chase after a woman who already has rejected him or finds him creepy. JUST LET IT GO. There's probably 5 other girl who looks just like her within a 3 block radius.
Friend Zone
So you've coasted in under her Creepy Radar. The second category to avoid is the "Friend Zone". Like the "Creepy" category, it's very difficult to move out of the "Friend Zone" once you've been placed there. You'll need to follow a few important moves to bypass this category altogether.
First off, one of the dumbest things a man can do is purposely put himself in the Friend Zone. Many men try to befriend a woman in order to "work on her" for a while in hopes that she'll become interested in him later. I call this the "befriend-and-date" strategy. If you've used this method in the past, don't feel alone; the idea that this approach works is one of the most commonly held misconceptions for men.
"Friends first" is such a bullshit motto that even the women who swear by those exact words ignore them completely when an attractive man walks into the room.
If you go out of your way to become friends with a woman, it is highly unlikely you will ever be anything else to that woman. Do not, I repeat, do not, try to seem non-threatening, helpful, sympathetic, or otherwise overly friendly to women you have just met. You can be friendly, but don't be an ass-kisser. No one liked the ass-kissers in 7th grade, and no one likes them now.
Trying to attract a woman from within the Friend Zone only makes you look desperate and dependent. Women look at men who hit on female friends as men who are too pathetic or lazy to meet women outside their circle. It's seen as opportunistic, pure and simple.
Unfortunately, for many men, "befriend and date" is the primary way they have learned to relate to and pursue women. It seems like a nice thing to do--to build respect and affection before attempting to pursue a woman sexually. Mostly, men think it's a sound approach because they hear women loudly supporting this idea.
If you learn nothing else from this book, learn to pay more attention to what women ACTUALLY DO than what they SAY THEY DO.
In practice, even the women who support the theory of "Friends first" do not respond the way they say they will respond. Don't get me wrong--there is nothing wrong with being friends with women. It's good to have friends, and if a woman has value to you as a friend, that's great. She might even have other attractive female friends that you will get to meet and hang out with, and that alone will raise your social value.
One thing I like to do with an attractive woman is to tell her that she's in MY friend zone. I politely and kindly inform her that I'm out of her league. Sounds ridiculous right? But women say this to men all the time. What's crazy is that it drives them insane to hear it about themselves.
Why? Women want everyone around them to have a sexual interest. It's what they're groomed to do. Women spend their entire lives learning how to appear attractive and likable to the opposite sex. They assume that even their male "friends" are attracted to them, but that those men desire their friendship so much that they manage to suppress the sexual attraction, for fear of ruining the friendship. Ridiculous, I know.
But just tell a woman you've just met the following, and see for yourself what happens:
"You're in my friend zone."
If she was mildly attracted to before, this is likely to put her over the edge if delivered at the right time. Moral of the story is: if you think you'll become that woman's friend and later switch it up and get with her, you're mistaken. It's just not gonna happen. Furthermore, it's a bad, desperate state of mind to be in. Make it your policy to never again employ this "befriend and date" strategy.
The best way to stay out of the friend zone is to communicate early through touching as I described in the first section.
This lets women know that there is a sexual undertone to the interaction. Sexual interest should be communicated through touching, not words. This results is confusion. There is a sexual undertone, but you haven't verbalized interest. Confusion is exciting and attractive. If you directly verbalize your sexual interest to a woman on a date, you'll give away your power, ruin the beautiful confusion you've created, and, worst of all, risk making her feel like a slut.
Orbiter
Many men mistake the idea of friendship with women for this third category: the Orbiter. What's an Orbiter? An orbiter is a guy who an attractive woman allows to hang around her. He's not quite a friend, but he's "okay" enough not to be considered Creepy. Women keep Orbiters around to raise their social standing, to get favors, or as an easy source of amusement.
Signs you just may be an Orbiter:
You've bought the last 4 rounds of drinks for her friends.
You've never met up with just her alone .
She calls you when she needs a ride, favor, loan, or something else
even your friends don't normally ask for.
She jokingly refers to you as "one of her boys".
She calls you 1-2 times a month/year/decade.
As an Orbiter, you have no bargaining power. In fact, she probably doesn't actually need anything that you provide. You're an afterthought.
Why some women "collect" Orbiters:
To many women, life is an endless popularity contest between them and their friends. One way a girl can get ahead in this contest is to have lots of different men (Orbiters) hanging around, paying attention to her and performing favors for her. Male attention is the currency that fuels female social competition. Don't be a sucker. Don't become a pawn in someone else's popularity contest.
Just say "No" to orbiting.
Now that you understand Orbiter behavior, you will start to notice what I call "Orbiter invitations." Sometimes a woman will reject your direct advances, but then she will continue to lead you on in small ways. For example, a woman might refuse to give you her phone number, but then she might ask you to drop by and visit her at work.
Men find this kind of behavior terribly confusing. Why would a woman reject your outright and then lead you on two seconds later? I myself was extremely frustrated by this kind of behavior back in the days before I decoded the female brain.
The bottom line is: she's trying to use you to impress the other woman at her job.
Never accept Orbiter invitations. Respond, "Yeah, you wish!" and keep pushing for her number. If she just isn't interested, it's better to find out right away and not waste more time playing her Orbiter games.
Here's another Orbiter situation: a girl meets you, but you two barely talk. Yet every once in a while, she text messages you to meet her at some bar. I guarantee you, she's sent that group message to ten other guys. Then she will turn to her friends and say, "Oh my God, all these guys are showing up and hitting one me, what's up with that?"
I know women who do this. In fact, even some of the women I sleep with do this! I'll show up to meet them somewhere, and I'll have to pull them away from a pack of Orbiters to get them to come home with me. High caliber women tend to collect Orbiters more aggressively and effectively than average women, so if you start approaching or dating the top notch hotties like I do, you will run into this sort of stuff all the time.
Another way you can keep yourself from becoming an Orbiter is to make fun of men you see who are Orbiters. That shows women you don't take any shit. That you're not a sucker like most guys.
Orbiters are doormats. You ought to have the self-respect to never let anyone use you as a pawn. I cannot stress this enough!
Here's one more Orbiter story to really drive the point home:
A couple of years ago I was walking back to my car in a parking lot, and another car backed up into my car. Small dent, no big deal. A man and woman get out of the other car. The woman was driving. She starts to act upset and helpless, like she's the victim, and the guy--total Orbiter--says to me, "How about I just give you $100 and we'll just forget the whole thing. No? OK, $200?"
The girl is saying, "No no, you don't have to do this," but she's half-assing it. The guy says, "No I want to do this. You've had a really hard day."
From their body language, I could tell you that they were not boyfriend and girlfriend, and what's more, I can swear to you that this guy did not get laid. That $200 got him nowhere. Sure, I'll bet she wanted to reciprocate his favor in some way, but women find it extremely problematic to get involved in a sexual relationship, or be attracted to someone, as a result of Orbiter actions. Why? Trading sex for favors basically amounts to prostitution. Being indebted to a man doesn't make women horny...guilty perhaps, but guilt is short lived and way too mixed up with anger and desperation to merit a place in your social life.
In the end, that Orbiter was just a doormat. In our culture, that kind of behavior is encouraged in men, but it doesn't really work out to anyone's advantage. Except, in this last case, mine. I took the $200.
Make a mental note of this: A woman will never have sex with you because she feels like she owes you something.
Women NEVER repay favors with blow jobs.
NEVER!
If you think they do, you're taking those porno plot lines WAY too seriously.
Alrighty then. You now know, if you're in the Creepy, Friend Zone, or Orbiter categories, you have very little chance of succeeding with that woman. You're sabotaging yourself, and you need to stop it NOW!
Don't be creepy.
Stop trying to "befriend and date."
Stop orbiting.
That shit doesn't work.
Let's talk about the two categories where you do have a chance. Providers and Seducers.
Provider/Husband
Of the last two categories, one--the Husband/Provider--is the golden category of men women claim they live for the chance of meeting. Even men who don't quite fit this category often get placed here as a kind of hopeful gesture.
In human courtship, the woman attempts to find out whether or not a prospective mate (Yes, that includes you, horny guy at the bar) will provide everything that she and her future offspring require. In the modern world, read: money, money, and more money.
The Husband/Provider category is a really common category to be put in, once you make it past all the Creepy/Friend Zone and Orbiter pitfalls. Why? Because the only other category left is the Seducer category, and women would like you to believe that the Seducer category doesn't exist. It's an extremely well-kept secret.
Since women pretend it doesn't exist, even to themselves, they will try with all their might to make you fit into the Husband/Provider category instead. "Traditional dating" is intimately connected to this category. The idea here is that you make advances that the girl evaluates, and all of your meetings with her are about proving yourself, spending cash, and trying to earn her approval. She will make you jump through more and more hoops, and, eventually, you might end up in a relationship, but always on her terms.
I don't recommend that you intentionally put yourself in the Husband/Provider category. Even if you are looking for a wife, your best bet is to seduce her first. Then, you will have a much better chance of marrying her than if you had started in the Husband/Provider category. You can easily switch yourself into the Husband/Provider category later, if that's what you feel it's time to do. If it's not time to get married, and you end up in this category, it's no one's fault but your own. There are easy actions you can take to prevent it.
Women putting you into the Husband/Provider category leads to situations that take the fun out things for both you and her. Women don't mean to take the fun out of things. They're not doing it intentionally--it's just social programming. They are instructed by society and instinct to put as many good men as possible in this category so they can then select the best match.
In order to stay out, it's important to stay unpredictable, to not kiss ass, and to use all the techniques I outline in the next few chapters. But basically:
Don't go on dinner dates.
Dinner dates are the ultimate symbol of the Husband/Provider type for women. Think about how many movies you've seen where a man proposed to a woman over dinner? Hundreds. It goes right back to caveman days where food (providing!) was associated with a pair-bonded relationship. Dinner dates do not provide you any good opportunities to escalate physically. You can't easily change venues. You're not sitting where you can make a lot of physical contact. Plus, the woman is being observed (or feels she is) by hundreds of other people, making her very self-conscious about her reactions and interactions with you. The best example I've ever seen of the awkwardness of dinner dates was in a Steve Martin movie called "Shopgirl." Perhaps you've seen it. In this movie, Steve Martin asks a woman out on a dinner date in the most pathetic way imaginable, by leaving the woman a note saying something like,
"Please meet me at such and such restaurant at 8pm Friday. You don't have to answer this note. If you don't show up, I'll just eat alone."
(Keep in mind this would NEVER work in real life.)
When she arrives for the date, they sit and exchange awkward attempts at conversation for what seems like an eternity. It's truly painful just to watch this date, let alone be on it.
On the second date, they meet at his house, and she gets butt-ass naked while he's taking a phone call in the next room. HA! Only in the movies. Trust me, girls do not get naked on your bed with no physical escalation unless you're Tommy Lee, and Tommy Lee would never do anything as dumb as this.
If you get a chance, be sure to check out "Shopgirl" so you have a very clear picture of what NOT to do. It will also give you some idea of where our ideas about dating come from: completely unrealistic pop culture.
Take a moment to consider some of the sources of discomfort for people on dinner dates:
Women being self-conscious about eating and about their weight.
Lack of touching. You can't touch the girl because you're sitting across from one another. The longer you go without touching, the harder it will be to make the first move. If you have to sit down somewhere, always sit beside her.
Confusion about who's paying.
Lots of pressure to create conversation out of thin air.
Lack of outside stimulation. At least, in a bar, there's other people around acting ridiculous that you can both comment on.
High investment. You look like a "couple" to everyone around. Both people might start to question whether they really feel OK with being a "couple" with the other person.
All in all, it's extremely difficult to get a dinner date to turn into sex on the same night. You'd have to be an AMAZING conversationalist just to make it through the first hour of the date and still have her attention. Yet men everywhere continue to push the dinner date agenda every chance they get.
So it's simple. To stay out of the Husband/Provider category, avoid dinner dates.
Wait a minute, you say? I actually want to get married. OK, great. You can always move from the Seducer to the Husband category later if you decide you want to be married. But, if you are in the Husband/Provider category, you can never move back into the Seducer category to have a non-exclusive relationship. The most you could try for would be breakup sex, but that's generally short-lived and damaging to everyone involved.
The reason you can't shift from Husband/Provider to Seducer, is that the woman would feel like you were going backwards in your relationship.
Women in relationships want
PROGRESS.
They believe the entire purpose of a relationship is to progress from "dating" to "seeing each other" to "going out" to "getting really serious" to "living together", to "engaged", to "married."
Women will sometimes accept staying in one of these stages for a long time, but women NEVER accept moving backwards in these stages.
Even women who say they aren't interested in getting married right now will not stand for any kind of a demotion. It's a huge blow to their ego and flies in the face of everything their biological urges are telling them. Have you ever tried to demote your girlfriend to fuck-buddy? She will never be satisfied with this arrangement. I don't recommend it at all; you're far better off starting over with a different woman.
If you do want to get married sometime soon, consider the following 2 courses you might take to get there:
The woman can string you along and make you prove yourself while she takes her sweet time in deciding whether she wants to get serious with you. This is "Traditional Dating." This is the Husband/Provider category.
You can start sleeping with the woman immediately, get to know her over a period of time, and then decide whether you want to get serious with her. This is the Seducer category.
Both courses can lead to serious relationships and marriage; however, Husband/Provider behavior (spending money, dinner dates, ass kissing, trying to prove yourself) generally results in women withholding sex for as long as possible.
Seducer behavior creates excitement and an intense infatuation period. This is a great way to start a serious relationship. It follows just like a romance novel where the woman slowly wins over a seemingly unattainable mate.
Seducer
The last category is one of the great secrets of the female universe--the Seducer. Some women barely know or believe that this category exists outside of romance novels. The ones who do don't talk about it for some very good reasons.
Much of the world might be in complete denial that the seducer category exists, but most women have a special place in their hearts and minds reserved for guys who understand seduction. Take it from me; I've seduced more women than I can count, and I can tell you women love to be seduced. However, if they acknowledged that seduction existed, they would risk looking like a slut.
Most women, like men, naturally feel sexual. They naturally feel horny. However, as I discussed earlier, the fear of being regarded as a slut puts women in a kind of cage. It takes a lot of fun out of their life and causes a tremendous inner conflict. Most women resist seduction, and this is all part of the fun and excitement of being the Seducer. How much fun would it really be if things were easy?
This is the quintessential irony of male/female relationships. Women act as if they don't want to be sexual or be seduced, yet they respect the man who can seduce them more than they respect any "nice guy."
It's not easy to get there, but this is the category where you want to be. Being in the Seducer category is like having use of the queen piece in a chess set. You can move as far as you want in any direction.
Do you want to have sex without commitment? No problem. Want to change the rules later and get serious? You can do that too. It's like having the invincible power in a video game. The faster you can put yourself in this category with a woman, the faster you have her complete attention. That includes sexual attention.
Learning to become a sexy, seductive man is not easy. There is a tremendous amount of pressure on men to be "nice guys". Here's a few easy seduction concepts that you can apply on dates, and if you need more help, I'd be more than happy to give you 12 hours worth of life-changing knowledge on my CD set, "The Complete System."
In these 12 CDs, I'll walk you through everything you need to know, from approaching women and getting phone numbers, to phone game, to blowing her mind in the bedroom, to having a girlfriend, even having 5 girlfriends.
Confusion Game
"Confusion game" is a huge part of my personal seduction arsenal. Girls love to analyze everything. That goes triple for anything that actually involves them. Here's an example:
When you start watching a movie, and it's awful, you usually turn it off or walk away. But remember a time when you watched a movie that was bad and confusing? If you didn't finish it, you probably watched it for a lot longer than you would have if you weren't confused. Confused people stick around to figure things out. This is especially true for women.
I'm not suggesting you spend some afternoon telling an attractive woman riddles. Confusion should be a subtle part of every aspect of your interaction. It happens when a woman doesn't know what will happen next in your meet-up (we'll get to this soon); it comes from her not knowing whether you like her, and it comes from the woman not knowing how you expect her to act. That last part is very important to women. Some women, once they know this piece of information, will work very hard to act exactly how you want, and some women will use that information to do the exact opposite of what you want. Others will try to please you. But in either case, they NEED to know what you want. The longer you hold out on this information, the more desperate they will become to know it.
Confusion can take many forms. There is good confusion and bad confusion. For example, being lost in the woods would be "bad confusion." You're in real danger and it feels like a nightmare.
Then there is "fun confusion." For example,do you remember the first time you ever watched a Quentin Tarantino film? The story doesn't seem to be in chronological order, so you feel a bit confused throughout the movie. Then later it all fits together. The confusion you felt earlier was part of the fun of the experience. This is the kind of confusion that enriches the woman's experience during a date.
She should feel like she's not quite sure what's going to happen next, but whatever it is, it's going to be something exciting and unexpected. She's in a state of "suspended disbelief." This means that she's not protesting things that would normally seem weird. We all go into states of suspended disbelief every day when we watch T.V. and movies. We stop our tendency to filter out false information in the interest of being entertained. This is one of the most important elements of creating entertainment, and you can use it to your advantage in your dating life.
The Dance of Dating
If you chase a girl, she will run. If you run from a girl, she will chase. This is what I call "the dance of dating" and it's something most men don't understand. Real Seducers perfect this dance. They begin it from the first words they exchange with a woman and continue during their every interaction forever after.
If you've ever seen people dance the Tango (that Spanish dance where the woman has the rose clenched in her teeth, and there's lots of foot stomping and whirling around?), you know that dance is all about seduction. The man and woman are constantly pushing one another away, and it only makes them hotter to touch each other.
The Business Transaction
Many men view dating as a business transaction. They demonstrate something (wealth, power, status), and they expect the woman to reciprocate with sex. I offer you this, you offer me that. Women do not view relationships this way at all. Taking a woman to an expensive restaurant for dinner, buying her flowers, sitting across the table and acting "the perfect gentlemen" for two hours will not drive a woman panting into your bed, because women don't get turned on by business transactions.
I want you to get the "business transaction" idea out of your head right now and start to replace those ideas with new ones. When you are on a date, here are some key concepts to keep in mind to insure that you are being seductive, and not business-like:
The man must always take the lead unless the woman strongly and directly states otherwise.
Use confusion to create sexual tension. Don't be too easy to read. Don't give simple and direct answers to any of her questions.
Make the woman slowly win you over during the course of the date. This means, don't show too much interest too early.
Start the touching early on. This way there's no thinking that this is a "friend thing."
Make the tone of the interaction fun, not too serious. It's not a merger meeting!
Sounds easy enough right? Well it's not as easy as it sounds. This is the problem with many books about dating. They give you the concept without giving your a specific plan. In Chapter 5 we're going to go over SPECIFIC PLANS you can use to implement these ideas.
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