0 The Feminism Problem (Part IV): Redefining Masculinity

“Dude, you gotta be more alpha”

I told this to a client, some 5 years ago. This young man was terrible with women, and he could not seem to keep a woman’s attention past say 20 seconds. I had tried everything, and nothing worked. So, I threw this in as a last ditch effort to help him see the light.

“What do you mean?”

(good question)

“Be louder, more dominant, don’t be afraid to take up space”

I had said those words many times, only to see guys actually misuse the information and get worse results from girls. The truth was, and still is, it was bad advice. Very, very bad advice.

My problem was that I hadn’t a clue what it meant to be a man. I was just as lost as this poor student. Once I hit rock bottom with “the game” and all of its gimmicks, I was left with a HUGE question - which I have been in front of (and growing into, as a result) ever since:

“What does it mean to be a MAN?”

Not in 1950, 1850, or 400050 BC, but TODAY. What, in the midst of all of the forces we must deal with on a daily basis, does it mean to send masculine energy into the world organically?

It’s not enough to think this question, or discuss it, or read about it - though that is a necessary start. One must though arrive at it in an organic, honest way. From there, we must face the pain of our realities and start to truly grow.

For me, I’d like to first try and pull apart my definition of masculinity and then focus on some ways to cultivate and GROW that within us. So, a little definition and then some talk of PROCESS.

What Is Your Aim?

When I am the most centered in myself, focused and pointed towards a dignified aim, and diligently working towards realizing that aim…I believe I am at my most masculine.

The focus on a mission or purpose allows for my vision to clarify and for my energies to be harnessed in a spectacularly male way. It can be transcending and magnificent. It can also be extraordinarily painful.

A number of years ago I was creating a theater piece. I had taken on the producing and directing end of the work, and I had a cast of 3 players working with me. I had a massive vision in my mind’s eye that drove me forward each and every day. It was thrilling and exhausting. In fact, I overcame some extraordinary odds to pull that piece off. I had decided to choreograph a dance to exist around the action of the play. Little did I know that the choreography would be extremely difficult. I began working at this and realized how extremely painful and difficult this was going to be. It did not stop me.

I worked for hours every night pulling this piece together. It stretched my mental, physical and emotional limits like nothing ever has. I eventually created the piece, and was extremely proud of the work I did. Looking back, I cannot believe I actually DID it. I was trained in the art of creating theater - which is hard enough - but, to then choreograph a 30 minute dance also…that was superhuman (for me).

I can easily say that that period I was focused, directed and pointed towards this strong aim that existed in my mind’s eye. I was living in a very masculine state at that time. Since then, I use this period of my life as an example of what it means for me to be on a mission. Do you have such an experience?

Something “happens” inside. My energies and resources become intensely focused on this goal, and with skill, I am able to involve others into helping me achieve this goal. I become a leader, and I become assertive - naturally. It’s not enough to attempt to be more assertive, to be a leader…one must do these vis-a-vis an aim.

So, what is your aim? What is the mission or purpose that pulls YOU forward?

This is a major piece to what I teach guys in my 1-1 work. With many young men, the lights turned out a long time ago. Their ambition has become thwarted and stifled. Their ability to imagine a future is often either grotesquely enlarged or retarded into the uninspiring and stale. For me, it’s a delight to help them turn ON again - it’s the most thrilling piece to the work I do.

This is a most important element for men to understand - you are incomplete and operating at less than capacity if you aren’t living in accordance with an aim…and it must be an aim that truly PULLS you forward.

Dare I say - it is the MOST crucial question you, as a man, can ever face.

Discovering this is an art all unto itself, which I delve into often in person with clients.

From here, it’s then important to apply a LOT of intelligence and energy into cultivating a lifestyle which works to support the AIM. Of course, I speak ad nauseam about the importance of autonomy on this blog - and you can read all about that by doing a search - but, it is here that we begin to see the birth of real attraction. A man, on his purpose, living in harmony with his nature is naturally attractive to women. The necessary autonomy is the RESULT of living in accordance with this aim/mission.

This is the “art” to being a man. Again, this is the focus of my coaching work with men - it is LESS about social skills (though that is covered of course) and dating advice. In my experience, if I help a man find the path to a real life for himself and help him to EVOLVE, the dating and women issue handles itself. I’ve seen this many, many times.

One final thought on this idea: if you don’t KNOW what this aim or purpose is (as is often the case) then, you must commit to seeking it. I would imagine that most men are within this category. “What do I want?” They might ask themselves. Making your aim or mission to fully know your deeper aim or mission IS an aim.

Clear? I hope I’m not talking in circles here…

The taproot to the masculine is through the process if seeking and understanding - more fully - this purpose. This is where we MUST begin. From here though, where does a guy go? How does he build on this in an intelligent way, enhancing his attractiveness to women?

In The Company Of Men

Most men who read this blog are looking for dating and relationship advice. So, it may seem very odd to hear that one of the most important things a man can do is to surround himself with OTHER men. That’s right, a guy needs other men around him to help shape his personality and to help him lose some of his rougher edges.

Male friends are akin to a mirror. They also put us in regular touch with masculine energy enabling us to further accept our own. Here’s an interesting thing I have noticed - many men are SCARED of all things male. So, things like:

• Assertiveness
• Confrontation
• Direct Action (spoken action included)
• Masculine Challenge

The first three on this list are clear, but the final idea is more opaque - masculine challenge. I’d like to focus on that aspect. Here’s a great example:

I was out recently with some friends, we were having a meal. A few of us were carrying on as men do: we kid, we poke fun, we challenge other men to step into the fray and be tested. Years ago, this was an artform. Men would parade themselves in front of other men and women and contest each other verbally (don’t believe me? See the film “Ridicule” asap). The ultimate idea here was to impress the women.

Can you see how this has a subtle, yet profound and positive impact on men? And yet, many men AVOID this kind of exchange with other men. It’s important to enter into this as much as you are able. It CHANGES you. It makes you more familiar and comfortable with masculine energy, which allows for more of its expression from you, through you and into the world.

Perhaps it is based upon the breakdown of the paternal structures in our culture, or maybe a corrosive thread which relates all things evil to the masculine (war, for example). Whatever the case may be, men have retreated and we must now repurpose ourselves for an all-out advance.

All four of these elements (and there are certainly more…please post your ideas in the comments below), when engaged with on a regular basis, enable a greater comfort and expression of masculine energy. We learn about ourselves FROM other men. Most importantly, the art of becoming a man MUST include a community of supportive, like-minded males.

Do you have this? Here’s an important criteria to consider before you answer that. Do the men in your life CHALLENGE you? Or, are they stuck in their own ruts, incapable of their own evolution? If the greatest challenge another guy poses to you exists within the realm of a video game, you need new friends.

Plenty of artificial, yet beneficial, communities of men have existed throughout the ages. The Masons, The Rotary Club, the Military (mostly). Even David Deida groups exist around the country in order to facilitate this process.

Here’s the key idea I want you to understand: your group is not actually assisting your growth unless it both challenges you and then holds you to a higher standard. So, challenge is at first, and then integrity to measure up, second. Both of these are vital as components to a male community.

The Importance of Being Challenged

Integrity.

It’s a concept on the decline. Amongst men, it barely exists. How can we learn about integrity unless we must meet a challenge to EARN it?

Years ago, older men used to initiate younger men via a Rites of Passage. This is long gone however, and one of the starkest consequences is the lack of integrity we see amongst men these days. Men run from challenges and when we avoid the experience of being tested, how on earth can we measure up when real difficulty surfaces?

More importantly, at least on this blog, if we avoid challenge how can we expect to maintain the respect of a woman when she tests us?

The reason women test men (and they do it A LOT) is to see how secure he is within himself. She is testing your level of integrity. She wants to see how well you respond to her energy, her storm, in order to see for herself how well you will respond to the challenges of life. This is a biological impulse, and the need is simple - how well can you provide security for the family in the face of a very difficult world?

The attainment of this security is vital. Many men are “insecure” and, therefore, unattractive. Being self-secure is where a guy is comfortable with himself, and with his place in the world; he accepts his masculinity and is able to respond to life’s challenges with some grace.

No one is perfect, but how willing are you to chase your aim? How willing and able are you to hold your mission in the highest light possible, having the fullest capacity of integrity to never ever relent?

Big questions. All of this is part in parcel with being comfortable (or willing to learn how to be comfortable) with being challenged.

This is learned in the company of men.

Being Alone

When you are alone, what is that experience like for you?

What I’ve noticed is that when alone, I begin to face, more deeply and fully, the demons, the hurt, the lack inside. In life, we can easily distract ourselves from these deep seated challenges and pain. But, when we are alone, it is much more difficult to run.

When I returned from Project Hollywood, and all of those games, I had to detox myself from the nonsense and toxicity. “Pick-up”, at least on the scale that we were doing it, had become an enormous distraction away from some deep-seated feelings of pain, loneliness, inadequacy etc. (it was different for each of us) In my case, I was using pick-up as a way of running. If I had a woman validate me, I would feel good. If she didn’t, I would move on until I found someone who would. I was good enough then that I could usually find someone every night to do this for me.

Problem is, validation is something that must come from the inside. No woman can fill that need. When we call someone “needy”, this is what we are saying. The NEED for validation from another is a corrosive thread through many relationships. Oh, and it’s very prevalent in the “pick-up” community. Why else would a guy learn for months on end an endless list of gimmicks and routines JUST to get a girl. What sort of guy holds a woman in that important a position (particularly one that he does not even know!)? This level of importance should be saved for his aim or mission…but most guys don’t see it that way.

So, what did I do? I would sit on my sofa for a solid hour each and every day. I would not read anything, I would not watch TV or listen to music. I would eliminate all distractions and simply sit. Also, I would not meditate either…as that can often take on a certain direction I wanted to avoid. No, I would sit and stare at the wall for an hour - EVERY night.

What I noticed was that I would constantly feed myself images of all the attractive women I could get. I could see that what my system wanted was to indulge in a fantasy of me getting her, seducing her etc. in order to feel better. When I would stop this mental activity, I would notice a pain that was very familiar and seemingly endless, something that had been with me a long long time. I knew then that my job was to become best friends with that pain, and to stop running from it. My BS maneuvers away from it hadn’t worked out so well…so, I decided to face it.

I learned to take this pain to my friends, my male friends. I found a number of men that I could sincerely look up to; who had a way about them that I wanted for myself. I took my pain and hurt to them, and they guided me into a healthier, less needy place. They helped me to grow into and through my past by challenging me, but doing so with compassion and empathy.

The change was indescribable. I was no longer afraid to be alone, and I no longer NEEDED women to “fix” me…I could want them, sure, but I didn’t have to need them. It was an extraordinary awakening for me, and shedding this changed my life. And, the women who were naturally attracted to me were of a higher quality and intelligence, and who were also not needy.

In a way, I stepped through the looking glass and stopped running from myself. I ceased viewing a woman as an answer to the insecurity of my past, to the damaged ego of childhood, high school and young adulthood. I could see that this neediness was driving the healthy ones away from me.

“Pick-Up” was this dynamic at its bottom: the endless chase for validation.

I could only see this when I was alone, and undistracted. I needed, in fact, to learn how to be alone without being lonely. By growing a community of men around me, and by stopping all activity which was designed to help distract myself from the truth…this was the magic combination that lifted me off on a real path of evolution and progress.

Challenge and Be Alone…I urge you to consider these as aspects to build into your life, as a means of evolving and growing into a man.

It’s taken me some time to get this article fleshed out, and there is even more to say - for sure. But, I don’t want to wait any more before posting it.

The final aspect that needs to be said is this. These topics today are mostly focused inwardly, towards healing the often intensely painful inner world and life of a man. This is not easy. In fact, I would imagine that many of you are not even AWARE of this as you’ve never been challenged to look for it. Our culture simply does not do that.

Once taken on, and fully embraced as a necessary stage in his life, a guy can expect slow and steady progress. There is no quick way out of this position. It begins with the simple acknowledgment that you lack the power you know you deserve and house within…but it is blocked by calamity and chaos.

Running from the calamity is not an option, not for an individual who actually wants a healthy, intimate relationship. Want to know how to get a girlfriend? Face yourself FIRST.

From here, he can build a lifestyle which mirrors and feeds this healthier self…and which eventually attracts healthier women into his life. But first, he must come to terms with some (often) mountainous challenges which he normally cannot see. For many, it takes a wake-up call.

This is the truth of masculinity in our time. No longer must we head out and hunt for the family or defend the home/village from oncoming attackers, but we must provide security in a larger emotional sense. Women now often earn as much as men in the workplace, and can provide - economically - for the family. But, the essence of masculinity, “maleness”, direction, focus and security is at the heart of each and every one of us. It is our responsibility to grow this and send this into the world and into our relationships.

This is what we can uniquely provide, and we’ve stopped doing it. For many of us, we look to women to provide this security (see the validation discussion from above). This throws us out of balance with ourselves and nature, and ultimately diminishes our attractiveness to women.

In other words…women WANT us to become REAL men. So, lets start then shall we?

Dare I say, understanding this and living it is the height of loving. Until a man truly “know” this from the inside out, he hasn’t the first clue about real intimacy.

Next time I’ll break down what it means to “stop accepting bad behavior” from women, and to help them then move forward away from games and into real intimacy.

Until then…

Sn.

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